Je suis seul à nouveau
"Do you ever feel that being really special means that you are going to be very lonely?" S. said on the phone to me tonight. If only, if only...everything I've ever blotted down in half-filled journals and neglected fairy tales is about little else. Perhaps it is the fate of all of us who are creative, whose hearts live in the forest, to love too much and give too much, and ache when we aren't loved and cherished as fiercely in return.
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given your sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
Someday you will find yourself holding back tears amidst the cluttered racks of a dusty, darkened bookshop. An older, spectacle-wearing gentleman will sigh uneasily as he squeezes his way past, carrying a dozen titles. Your heart is so heavy, you clutch onto the Medieval History shelf and pray your knees don’t buckle beneath you. This is when it calls out to you from three hardcovers down. The book. The book you require to loosen your weary soul, and rest your troubled mind. It’s a book that, three months before, you would have immensely enjoyed and devoured. But, like all perfect and predestined things, it is at this exact moment you most need it. Wisdom revealed, innermost doubts and hopes articulated on each and every yellowed page. A book full of everything you thought you lost or buried.
If you have yet to experience this liberating moment, don’t anticipate it. Don’t rush out and look for it the next time you feel you’re slipping away from sanity. It will happen when you least expect it, when you didn’t even realize it was what you were seeking.
