A Wolf on Whole Foods

This past week was really tough. I mean, life was getting to me. My ratio of regular meals to meals consisting of vegan donuts was embarrassing. I’d coined myself “grunge girl” due to the fact I’d been picking up the same crumpled outfit off my floor everyday and putting it on without looking in the mirror twice. My best friend, who I called on about an hourly basis, had just left for a two-month trip to Europe where she, to my horror, would be without a phone. I think my most pitiful moment, however, was the two-hour crying phone session I had with my mother in which I mostly wept about my lack of non-psychopathic male suitors.

I even thought about joining an online dating site. This is where I hang my head in shame. I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t serious about it but, deep down, I had hopes of creating a profile and, minutes later, being hit up by a sincere yet clever James Franco look-alike who wanted to take me on a bookstore adventure and, shortly after, marry me.

This is the frame of mind I was in this afternoon when I called my friend to discover he’d blown off plans with me. Yeah, I could mutter, “My life is a Shakespearean tragedy,” as I lie down on my bed and search for episodes of Felicity on the Internet. Or I could, for once in my life, take charge of my own happiness. Be an independent woman, my heart cried out to me.

So I did what any modern day Jane Austen heroine would do. I grabbed the book I was reading, a pack of cigarettes, and made a beeline for Whole Foods. In doing this, I made a critical discovery:

The cure for every overly emotional female is a trip to Whole Foods.

I mean, who needs Match.com when there is a line of rustic, tattooed hotties waiting to ring up your dinner at every register? And who needs friends when there is a wise yet sassy barista lady who is willing to give you free coffee? I ate my Naan and saffron rice, read my thrilling fantasy adventure novel, and felt pretty happy to be alive for the first time in days.

And, let me tell you, Whole Foods was just the catalyst for a whole other slew of amazing events. It was like it poured into me all sorts of good luck and positive energy. I wound up last minute working on a music video (another story in itself), and then set up an appointment for something else that will scoot along my previously nonexistent successful film career.

I’ll never complain about Whole Foods’ obscenely high prices again.